Signs

When someone gives up on you, sometimes it’s slow, but it’s always obvious at the end. They stop saying the things that show they care.
For instance, when I say things about my very existence being wrong, he asks why I think that, and says “I’m sure it isn’t.” He would used to tell me I matter, I belong with him.
He doesn’t say he misses me, or he loves me, unless I say it first, and sometimes not even then.
If I send him selfies, he doesn’t praise them like he used to. He never asks me to send them.
He doesn’t show me off anymore. If I want him to post about me, I have to ask, and he seems annoyed.
If I say I’m upset, he doesn’t seem to care. If I’m crying, he doesn’t call and check up on me.
He doesn’t call period.
Talking to me becomes a chore.
If I’m upset about something he did, he deflects the blame and acts like I shouldn’t be upset at all.

I am purely upset because I’ve realized that he doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t need to spend time with me. He doesn’t need to talk to me, or hear my voice. He doesn’t need to see me.

And sometimes I think it’s all in my head, but then he’ll read my message and not answer, or get on and off of facebook to message someone else but not me. And then it’s pretty hard to deny.

I’m losing him. I’m losing me.

-R

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I Need You

I need you.
I need you to want me.
I need you to show me you want me.
I need you to be there for me, because I am often so sad that I can’t remember what happiness even feels like.
I need you to not make me forget what happiness feels like.
I need you to care about me, and I need you to make it obvious that you do.
I need you to love me, and I need you to show that you do.
I need you to listen to me when I tell you these things, and I need you to try to fix it.
I need you to show me that I’m not a drain on you, that I’m not a bother to you.
I need you to show me that you need me, because baby, you’re all that I need. You put the moon in my sky, and you make it shimmer when you do any of these things.
Please make my sky shimmer again.
I don’t know how much longer I can take these starless nights.

-R

Reassurance

It’s like there’s not enough air left in the world for me to breathe. No one cares about me. No one loves me.

No one ever will.

Maybe you’ll say “That’s crazy! Someone must,” but it truly feels like no one does. It sucks being depressed in general, but it’s so much worse when even your own significant other makes you feel insignificant to them. Having paranoia is hell, but when your “friends” ignore you for days or weeks (or forever) without seemingly a reason, it’s even worse.

My mind has become a swamp, if you will, of terrible things. You can try to escape it, but everywhere you go, you sink. Here you sink into “Depression Drop”, but you try to move away and you fall into the “Pathetic Pool”. You move further only to find “Anxiety Alley” and “Paranoia Pit”. Finally, you find “Suicide Swim” and you just wade there for a while, wondering.

And then when you think you might see a grassy patch, swamp monsters (a.k.a. “Friendly Fires”) knock you back off.

And then you’re left drowning, alone, wondering when someone will love you. Wondering why no one loves you. Sinking back into the cycle.

Maybe I just need reassurance that I matter.

Or maybe I just don’t.

-R

 

Do You Notice, Do You Care?

I’m sure you see it- how terribly I’m suffering. And dammit, I’m writhing in pain at my own hands. Sure, other people play little parts, but I -myself- am the biggest part. I am the cause of my own anguish.

And if you don’t notice, how? I stare into space, with a frown on my face, lost in how much I want to cease my own existence. How do you not see it, in my so-called “attitude,” in my loss of patience with everyone, with my dizzy and sick spells that sprout from not eating healthy/enough and laying around too much. Do you not notice that I procrastinate cleaning and laundry and dishes and everyday things- not out of laziness, but because I have the energy zapped out of my bones, my muscles, my brain?

Or maybe you all notice. Every single person. But how can this be? No one seems to care. Maybe they don’t. Maybe I deserve this fucked-up version of myself, because I’ve been like this on and off for going on six years, and it just seems to be getting worse.

Do you notice? Do you care?

(Help me.)

-R

Recede

I feel the need

to curl into my own skin

to recede

into my own being

 

I feel the need

to cut out those who care

to destroy

any remnants of hope.

 

I feel the need

to pretend it’s all fine

but deep in my mind

to be free.

 

I know the truth.

 

The truth is

if it’s all in your head

they can’t help

they can’t even try.

 

-R

Loss or Gain?

Recently, I’ve stopped being friends with two different people. The most recent was my best friend, and it’s been kind of hard. It’s going on three days now since we’ve last spoken, and I don’t know if that is good or bad.

He starts fights, all the time, and then blames it on me. He says I’m over reacting. But on my birthday, he said I didn’t care that my other best friend couldn’t come up. He likes her, and she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings. But he takes it out on me like it’s my fault. He said I didn’t care, and then said it’s obvious. We ended up arguing. and then I didn’t see him on my birthday either, because he made me very upset.

Now his birthday is approaching. Saturday evening, a week before his birthday, he started trouble. He called me one sided, out of the blue, and then wouldn’t explain why. He got angry when I wanted to know why he called me that, and said I was over reacting. Then he called me hypocritical, and said that I’m degrading. That one hurt, because I try my very best to be fair and nice to everyone I meet. Am I always successful? No. But do I deserve that? I’m not sure.

Some of the stuff that I ordered him for his birthday is beginning to arrive, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t particularly want to see him, but I have no other use for the stuff. He blocked me on everything, though I’m sure I could text him. I just.. don’t want to anymore. I’m lonely but I don’t appreciate when people insult me and make me upset all the time just because they don’t have a girlfriend.

The other friend “lost” is E, and we stopped being friends because she insulted my family and said she doesn’t respect my opinion. I’m fine with this.

I might currently be losing another, because he just sent me a semi-nude of a girl that he is friends with to “stir the pot”.

I genuinely dislike most of humanity currently.

-R

It Fades

Everything will fade: happiness, pain, love, hatred. Today, for me, what faded most was happiness. What exploded was crushing sadness.

Today was fine and dandy for the most part. Then at one point I went out with some friends. Then I was happy. When I came home, I used a cool new bath bomb, and should have been happy. But it faded quickly.

I have a boyfriend, and I love him with everything I have. He’s one of the only things that keep me going. But sometimes, like tonight, he is also my downfall.

While in the bath, I was trying to text him. He kept telling me to hold on, nicely enough. But he only blew me off because a mutual friend, who is female, was upset. She likes/d him, even when she was in a relationship; she was furious when he talked to other girls. Now she is single, and I feel bad for her, but I don’t like when my boyfriend ignores me to talk on the phone with a freshly single, sad girl who is known to have liked him.

I tried to explain that to him, but he wasn’t getting why I was so upset. And that made it worse.

Then I realized that he was commenting and liking people’s stuff on Facebook (I wasn’t stalking, it shows up on my wall), including on hers, and on a different girl he used to talk to. None on mine.

And then he got upset that I was upset, and said he shouldn’t ignore me because of his own problems. I was unaware he was even having problems recently. So I brought up the fact that he really never tells me anything. A sort of fight ensued. But it’s true, he doesn’t tell me anything. And I don’t mean just his problems, I just mean he doesn’t tell me stuff, like about smoking (I found out a month later from one of his buddies), going to parties (which I found out through a post on Facebook from someone else who was there, as well as his ex), or helping with the play (I found out through messages between him and a friend.)

It’s how he was raised, to just not talk much. And I get it, I guess. But I feel like I should be the exception. I’ve been his girlfriend for 7 months, and we talked for a long time before that. I NEED him to talk to me. I love him, god I love him so much. But… I can’t go on like this.

I cried so hard tonight that I went into some sort of panic attack. Eventually, it faded. But before that, I, on reflex, scratched the hell out of my leg. I wasn’t purposely doing it, it was a reflex. However, I was aware I was doing it. I could have stopped, but I didn’t want to. I now have yet another scrape that feels like my skin was essentially burned off.

I can’t do it like this anymore. I need change. I need HIM to make this better. Because overall, I love him, but it hurts this way.

I need these problems to fade

-R

Paranoia

Paranoia isn’t the typical “he hates me” bullshit, but at the same time, it is. It’s knowing that you sound ridiculous, but not being able to change it. It’s wondering if you made up the whole fucking idea of it in itself. It’s thinking that since you haven’t been officially diagnosed with paranoia that you don’t have the right to claim it.

Paranoia is believing that your friends don’t care about you at all. It’s feeling like you bother them any goddamn time you message or speak to them. It’s imagining what they truly think when you tell them about your problems.

Paranoia is feeling like your boyfriend hates you. It’s wanting him to read this shitty post, but also hoping to god he doesn’t. It’s feeling like he doesn’t want to talk to you, like he can’t stand the quirky way you smile but deny it when he compliments you. It’s knowing that he’d be better off without you and wondering why the hell he’s with you.. and more importantly, dreading when the time will come that he realizes you’re not at all what he’s looking for.

Paranoia is hating writing about paranoia. It’s imagining what any readers will think. They’ll think that this is pathetic, or chalk-full of lies, or poorly written. Or maybe they’ll just think that this isn’t even worth their goddamn time.

-R

Define: friend

Friend: a person who claims to be there for you. One who makes you believe that they care. These people are liars. They get mad if you become upset, and furious if it’s because of them. They deny any blame. You are obviously over-reacting. They also use you. Some for terrible things like drugs or sex, but others for seemingly nothing, like seeing other friends of yours or a ride or to cure their boredom. They do NOT care. Do NOT let them fool you. No one cares.

Or at least that’s my experience.

-R

Six Months Self-Harm Free

I’m just passed six months

Six months that you would think would be great

Freeing, joyous, awe-filled

But you’d be very wrong.

 

These past six months

Have been so painful

I miss it

The blood, the pain, the rush, the secrecy

And but, of course, the scars.

 

I want it back.

I want it all back.

 

-R