Everything will fade: happiness, pain, love, hatred. Today, for me, what faded most was happiness. What exploded was crushing sadness.
Today was fine and dandy for the most part. Then at one point I went out with some friends. Then I was happy. When I came home, I used a cool new bath bomb, and should have been happy. But it faded quickly.
I have a boyfriend, and I love him with everything I have. He’s one of the only things that keep me going. But sometimes, like tonight, he is also my downfall.
While in the bath, I was trying to text him. He kept telling me to hold on, nicely enough. But he only blew me off because a mutual friend, who is female, was upset. She likes/d him, even when she was in a relationship; she was furious when he talked to other girls. Now she is single, and I feel bad for her, but I don’t like when my boyfriend ignores me to talk on the phone with a freshly single, sad girl who is known to have liked him.
I tried to explain that to him, but he wasn’t getting why I was so upset. And that made it worse.
Then I realized that he was commenting and liking people’s stuff on Facebook (I wasn’t stalking, it shows up on my wall), including on hers, and on a different girl he used to talk to. None on mine.
And then he got upset that I was upset, and said he shouldn’t ignore me because of his own problems. I was unaware he was even having problems recently. So I brought up the fact that he really never tells me anything. A sort of fight ensued. But it’s true, he doesn’t tell me anything. And I don’t mean just his problems, I just mean he doesn’t tell me stuff, like about smoking (I found out a month later from one of his buddies), going to parties (which I found out through a post on Facebook from someone else who was there, as well as his ex), or helping with the play (I found out through messages between him and a friend.)
It’s how he was raised, to just not talk much. And I get it, I guess. But I feel like I should be the exception. I’ve been his girlfriend for 7 months, and we talked for a long time before that. I NEED him to talk to me. I love him, god I love him so much. But… I can’t go on like this.
I cried so hard tonight that I went into some sort of panic attack. Eventually, it faded. But before that, I, on reflex, scratched the hell out of my leg. I wasn’t purposely doing it, it was a reflex. However, I was aware I was doing it. I could have stopped, but I didn’t want to. I now have yet another scrape that feels like my skin was essentially burned off.
I can’t do it like this anymore. I need change. I need HIM to make this better. Because overall, I love him, but it hurts this way.
I need these problems to fade