I’m struggling to even find the words to write this post. I’ve typed it many times already and deleted it all, so here’s to another try.
I’m struggling in more ways than I think I realized until today. I’ve been sort of pretending that I’m okay, and maybe it worked for a while, on and off.
I had an episode a few days ago, where I got some new blades. I just laid here, the blades on my lap, cried and shook, and tried to not feel pathetic. Not because I would cut, but because I wouldn’t. Not doing it makes me feel pathetic, like I’m not strong enough.
I’m struggling with the fact that my scars aren’t deeper, that they aren’t darker, or more numerous.
I’m struggling to feel normal… to feel okay.
I’m struggling with my self esteem. It seems I can’t feel decent about myself without showing my body to a boy (or girl). And so now when I do that I feel even worse about myself. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m struggling with a particular boy. I’m not certain how he feels about me, but I actually like him quite a lot. I’m not ready to jump into a relationship but I think we could be good together. If he liked me, and was willing to “talk” to only me. But he’s not, and it kind of hurts my feelings more than it should.
I’m struggling with not feeling good enough. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anyone, in any sense, in any capacity. Not for my parents; I’ll probably never be a hot shot in whatever career I choose. Not for my siblings; I’ll never be the conservative Christian cis woman that they want me to be. Not for my friends; I’ll never be the most available, the most fun, the most interesting. Not for a love interest; I’ll never be smart enough, skinny enough, sane enough, sexy enough, or lovable enough. They’ll always cheat, or lie, or just leave.
I’m struggling with wanting to put myself and everyone else through dealing with me.

-R

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