Sometimes I feel like I come down on him too hard. And I probably do. I don’t mean to make him upset, I hate it when he’s upset. But sometimes he makes ME upset, and I just want those issues solved.

I hate that I make him upset sometimes. He is my whole world, even though I’m not his. God, I’d do anything for that boy. I would follow him to the ends of the earth. I would rub his back and make him soup when he’s sick, and cuddle up with him when he’s sad. I would talk with him about every detail of his day and every thought he has in his amazing little head, no matter how silly or sad.

And I feel like all I do is bring him down. He’s going to do amazing things one day, and I hope so much that I will be there to see it. And I know I won’t set him back because of academics or anything, but I feel like I bring him down emotionally. Like he doesn’t want me there to see it.

And it makes me hate myself that much more. I love him, so, so much. So much that it hurts because I feel like he doesn’t feel the same.

I want him to see me go through college and become a forensic anthropologist or a writer or a teacher or a veterinarian. I want him to be there when I graduate and when I get my licenses and when I start a career. I want him there when I move out of my house, and when I get a car, and when I get coffee or go to sleep. I want him here all the time, with me. For the mundane things, for the little things, and for the big things, I just want him here.

I want him to want to read my blog. He doesn’t seem interested, and I’m hoping that will change. It would be weird for him to read all this stuff, and about him, but I’m hoping if he does it would benefit our relationship.

I want to make him smile. I’m trying right this second, but I don’t think anything I do will get a smile out of him. He’s fine, I just wanted to make him extra happy..

I hate myself. I’m so terrible. I can’t even make my boyfriend smile.

-R

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